The last three weeks have been something I never thought would be a trial for me. In the sense that I never thought I would have a child with a “cancer” scare, because I had been through this before… My older sister had leukemia as a child twice and once as a young adult. Watching her battle cancer was HARD. Especially the third time, we had all hoped she was done with that fight. It was extremely difficult to see my older sister (who in my eyes is strong on a number of levels and who I love deeply) be frail, be sick, go bald, and wonder if this time she might not make it. Well, I am happy to say she did make it! My sister, Anna, battled cancer 3 freak’n times and won!

(Me and my sisters, her third time round. Monkey pile!)

I think that is pretty great. But, this is also the reason why I don’t think this should be my battle now with my daughter. I have been there, done that! I don’t want to do this again! I’m not sure my heart can handle watching someone I love battle this again. Arge! If only we could choose our trials….we’d probably learn nothing though….dang it.

I remember as a kid asking my mom “why?!” why did we have to do this again (the second time my sister got cancer) and my mom telling me that there is always a lesson to be learned in our trials. She shared with me that it is our job to figure out what that lesson is and then learn from it so that we can become better people – SO that eventually we can help others during their trials. My mom is a wise lady.

Really, I believe that is why we are here living on earth. We are here to learn about ourselves and to in turn help others. I don’t believe this life was ever meant to be easy, but to teach us to overcome the hard things and be able to find joy and love where we are in life. When I say “overcome” though, I need to be clear. Overcome doesn’t mean we can always get rid of our trials or conquer them completely. Some times it means learning to handle life in spite of them or during them. Being joyful anyway, serving anyway, being kind anyway-during-because of-etc.

Last year we watched as a neighborhood girl bravely fought cancer and eventually passed away. My heart ached for her mother and for her entire family. One day I told my husband in tears, I could never have that trial because I would just crumble and I think I would loose my faith. He is a really kind and wise fella- as he hugged me, he said, “In those cases we have two choice, to let it over take us and drag us down OR to let it make us stronger.”  Still I told him I didn’t think my faith could last such a hard thing.

(Watch Michalla’s inspiring video below)

I love my husbands thought that we have two choices. Pretty much to sink or swim. But, I also don’t think that is an overnight immediate choice. Maybe it can be for some, but it’s also okay to just lay in bed and cry when days are hard. What’s important is that we eventually get up and be bigger than our fear and sadness. But, a day off from being brave is totally okay every now and then.

My mom used to read me a book when I was little called, “It Could be Worse.”  It was about two kids that were visiting their grandpa. He tells them crazy tall tales about adventures he had, each story taking him further into the impossible…then at the end he casually says “It could be worse.” As I grew up my mom would often remind me of this when I was bummed out about something. I almost hated to hear it, “It could be worse.” But, it is true. It could always be worse…. We need to count our blessings each day.

About four weeks ago my oldest daughter, Charlie, who is 8 got the flu pretty bad. She was having trouble standing up because she was so dizzy, but she had just thrown up all over herself so I helped her in and out of the shower.  I noticed a strange lump on her hip as I was drying her off. At first I thought it was a blood clot. It looked so strange, but Charlie seemed pretty calm about it telling me “it had been there for a long time”….uh what?! How could I not have noticed this before?? I called the doctor when she started running a 103 fever and my concern for the bump was growing. The nurse on the phone told me it was probably just a swollen lymph node because she had been sick. Phew! That relieved my stress for a bit.

At the doctors office we talked about influenza and what to do for Charlie. Then we talked about the lump. He looked her legs over for cuts or infections and said if the lump was still there in two weeks to come back in. He said swollen lymph nodes in that area are not normally related to colds, flu, or viral infections. I wanted to say what the heck could it be then?! But, I figured I would be patient and hopefully it would just go away in the two weeks.

Then I googled….which you should NEVER DO! Because pretty much any medical problem google search will tell you have some form of cancer….haha….it’s awful. I can laugh at myself, but seriously it’s not smart to do.

My husband calmed my fears the night before I was to take Charlie in again for the check up on the lump(s), there were now two.  I was feeling very worried about the lumps, my google searching, and my sisters history with childhood cancer. My husband told me to be honest with the Doctor and if I needed to push for testing to calm my fears then I should do it. I prepared myself mentally to be pushy (something I like to think I can be, but not really when it comes down to it).

When we got to the doctor (her regular pediatrician, a different doctor than the two weeks before) he looked her over. Asked if there had been any trauma/cuts to her legs and all that jazz.  Then when I said no and he didn’t see anything like that he told me he wanted me to go get her blood work done that day. (I hadn’t yet told him about my sister or asked for tests, this made my stomach drop) I confessed I had indeed, “Googled.” We both laughed a little and then he said, “Well then you know what I am thinking about, that I am not going to say out loud.” I nodded as tears filled my eyes. I was grateful her doc didn’t want to say the “C-word” in front of my daughter.

I then told him about my sister, we talked about Charlie having frequent bloody noses, how pale and skinny she had become, her lack of energy, and other things that were bothering her. All this seemed to confirm his wanting her to get a CBC that day. The tests I thought I was going to have to fight for were now being handed to me -no fighting required…. that made me feel worse.

We went to get her blood work done and it came back abnormal, but looking cancer free! I was slightly relieved, but the lumps still had no explanation. We did however discover that Charlie’s bloody noses, pale skins, low energy, and other things had some explanation – her red blood cells were crazy low. She is very anemic. Since getting her on iron drops she is feeling much better! Why is her iron so low? We don’t know yet.

We still needed to figure these lumps out. After talking to the doctor about her blood results he said he would like her to get chest x-rays and an ultra sound on her hip to figure out what the lumps are. The chest x-rays would tell us if there was any other swollen lymph nodes in her upper body and the ultra sound would show us the nature of the lumps.

Okay, ugh, let’s do this. We were sent to Primary Children’s Hospital in Salt Lake for these tests two days after doing her blood tests. I am really not a fan of hospitals. I kinda grew up in them watching my sister and other cancer kids get treatments. It gives me a bit of added anxiety. But, Char was nervous so I knew I had to pull it together and be strong. Charlie was mostly scared she was going to get a needle poke again and I am sure to an 8 year old words like “x-ray” and “ultra sound” aren’t very comforting words.

Charlie had to drink 24 oz of water an hour before her ultra sound, which is a LOT for a small person. We left our house around 7:20 am to get to the hospital on time. She was having a hard time thinking she could drink all that water, so I told her to just take a sip every 5 minutes. It seemed to work, by 8 am she had all the water in her tummy. We joked about feeling like she just ate Thanksgiving dinner. Then I hit a pot hole or something, the car bumped and water shot out of Char’s mouth. She was turning a little green…. eee! I pulled in the hospital parking garage, ran to her side of the car right as she threw up her breakfast and water all over the inside of my car….dang it. I quickly grabbed an empty gallon zip lock and she threw up 4 more times.

I had nothing to clean it up with so I used her blanket to wipe up the puke and just threw it down on ground next to my car. She was not happy about her blankie, but we left it there and walked in the hospital feeling already a little defeated. Ugh, I was starting to feel overwhelmed. I walked to the front desk to ask where to go- he told me twice, but my brain didn’t register. It didn’t help that I parked on the wrong side of the hospital… He said just get in the elevator and go up to the third floor, someone will be there and help you the rest of the way. I could totally do one step directions. We got in the elevator. Then three ladies jumped on before the doors closed, they were laughing which made me mad for some dumb reason. I texted my husband that Char had thrown up. And then I was trying to hold back tears. I didn’t want to be here and I sure as H-E-double hockey sticks didn’t want my daughter to be tested for cancer….arge.

When the elevator opened I didn’t see anyone to ask where to go. I wanted to sit down and cry. I think one of the ladies on the elevator could tell I was a mama about to loose it, she just kinda stood there near me, I tried to figure out where I was going while trying really hard not to cry. Out of frustration I muttered under my breath to myself “I don’t know where to go?!” It must have not been as quiet as I thought because the lady leaned in and asked if she could help me get where I needed to go. Then she looked me in the eye and asked if I was okay. I gritted my teeth and my tears and said “yes”…which was kinda a lie.

She helped us get to radiology and was SO kind. At one point while we were walking I looked at Charlie and realized she had puke all over her pajama pants and she was still holding the zip lock of puke.  I felt awful. “I’m sorry Char, I should have brought a change of clothes.” I told the lady how she had to drink water for her ultra sound and had thrown up in the car. Happily she said, “Oh that’s okay! People puke her all the time! We can get her a change of clothes if you would like.”

At first I wanted to say no, cuz that’s my nature, but Charlie needed new pants in a bad way. Once we got to radiology the lady talked to some nurses and they brought Charlie a band new pair of pink pj pants with hearts on them. I was thinking she was going to get some ugly hospital clothes. I was surprised they had stuff like that to hand out. They had run out of shirts for girls and offered her a boy sports shirt, but her shirt was clean. She changed and we both felt a little better.

I was so relieved at how helpful and kind everyone working there ways. This was a stressful day for us and the employee’s at Children’s made it so much better.

Which is why I want to pay it forward. I keep thinking about the children that puke on their favorite blankets and/or on their comfy pj pants…. how upset they get when they need that blanket on a stressful day…. how nervous the moms and dads are…. how can I contribute? They ran out of 8 year old girl shirts in radiology, what else could they need? And a bit selfishly I need to do something while we wait on tests too, to help keep my mind from thinking about all the worst case things this could be. Service always seems to be a good answer for that.

Later that day Charlie’s x-rays came back clear- no signs of cancer in her chest. Her ultra sound was a little different. It is showing a mass under the lumps we can see on her body. The lymph nodes (which are what I call the the “lumps”) are no longer functioning lymph nodes. We don’t know what they are doing. The mass is surrounded by lymph nodes on all sides and pushing those lumps up (why see can see them). The word “mass” is scary. Thankfully the doctor said the mass doesn’t look like it has “tumor like characteristics.” He said he can’t give us the all clear yet, but things are looking good for our Charlie. If this mass or lymph nodes do have cancer in them it hasn’t spread any where else in her blood or body. We are hoping it is just a weird mass that has nothing to do with anything and that is can be removed easily.

We are hoping hard.

This week we go in for a biopsy for our Charlie girl to get these lumps and the mass checked out. We are told we won’t have answers for a few days after. More waiting! Blah…

So…while we wait, I want to invite you all to do something good this week with my family. A little service to “pay it forward” in honor of that kind woman who offered to help a stressed out mom (me ;)) and to all the employees at Children’s Hospital who make each day a little less awful for the sick kids and the worried parents they are serving.

I called Children’s and was told they need:

Underwear (themed undies for the little ones)

Comfy Shorts

Short Sleeved Shirts

These need to be brand new items that fit ages 2-14. 

I would love to have you and your family join us this week in gathering these items for Primary Children’s Hospital in Salt Lake. There will be a drop off location at Persnickety Prints in Orem.

The address is – 44 W Center St, Orem, UT 84057 Right next to Chuck E Cheese across from Target.

If you don’t live in Utah and would like to contribute in some way- I would love for you to donate to Camp Goodtimes. Camp Goodtimes is a camp for cancer kids and their siblings. I went with my sister as a kid and it is very very dear to my heart. Click HERE to donate and read more about Camp Goodtimes.

Thank you for reading!

Much love- from me and my family